BFMracing
General Category => General Board => Forum Games => Topic started by: Fraggle on December 13, 2011, 02:12:38 PM
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This is probably completely contrived, but it is funny nonetheless. I thought i'd post it for lols.
"After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "Gripe Sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form and then the pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny...........
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget. "
:LOL:
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Love it!
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I've seen those before, funny stuff
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:siderofl:
This sounds a little like Jane actually.
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I Liked that Bugs one, anyone guess why?! :P
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This puts shame on Australians -.- Although they are quite funny
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Good Ol' QANTAS
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I love those jokes! Qantas clearly has a brilliant sense of humour.
Just as an aside, I found this:
It is often claimed, most notably in the 1988 movie Rain Man, that Qantas has never had an aircraft crash. While it is true that the company has neither lost a jet airliner nor had any jet fatalities, it had eight fatal accidents and an aircraft shot down between 1927 and 1945, with the loss of 63 people. Half of these accidents and the shoot-down occurred during World War II, when the Qantas aircraft were operating on behalf of Allied military forces. Post-war, it lost another two aircraft with the loss of 17 lives. To this date, the last fatal accident suffered by Qantas was in 1951.
Since the end of World War II, the following accidents and incidents have occurred:
- On 7 April 1949, Avro Lancastrian VH-EAS swung on landing at Dubbo during a training flight, causing the gear to collapse. The aircraft was destroyed by fire, but the crew evacuated safely.
- On 16 July 1951, de Havilland Australia DHA-3 Drover VH-EBQ crashed off the coast of New Guinea (in the Huon Gulf near the mouth of the Markham River) after the centre engine's propeller failed. The pilot and the six passengers on board were killed. To date, this was the last fatal accident suffered by Qantas.
- On 24 August 1960, Lockheed Super Constellation VH-EAC crashed on take-off at Mauritius en route to the Cocos Islands. The take-off was aborted following an engine failure, the aircraft ran off the runway, and was destroyed by fire. There were no fatalities.
- On 23 September 1999, Boeing 747–400 VH-OJH, operating as Qantas Flight 1, overran the runway while landing at Bangkok, Thailand, during a heavy thunderstorm. The aircraft came to a stop on a golf course, but without fatalities. The Australian Transport Safety Bureau criticised numerous inadequacies in Qantas' operational and training processes.
- On 25 July 2008, Boeing 747–400 VH-OJK, en route from Hong Kong to Melbourne operating as Qantas Flight 30, suffered a rapid decompression and made an emergency landing in Manila after an explosion. There were no injuries. The ATSB officially stated that the incident was caused by the failure of an oxygen tank.
- On 7 October 2008, Airbus A330-300 VH-QPA, travelling from Singapore to Perth as Qantas Flight 72, suffered a rapid loss of altitude in two sudden uncommanded pitch down manoeuvres causing serious injuries while 80 nautical miles (150 km) from Learmonth, Australia. The aircraft safely landed in Learmonth, with 14 people requiring transportation by air ambulance to Perth. Another 30 people also required hospital treatment, while an additional 30 people had injuries not requiring hospital treatment. Initial investigations identified an inertial reference system fault in the Number-1 Air Data Inertial Reference Unit as the likely origin of the event. On receiving false indication of a very high angle of attack, the flight control systems commanded a pitch down movement, reaching a maximum of 8.5 degrees pitch down.
- On 4 November 2010 Qantas Flight 32, an Airbus A380 named "Nancy-Bird Walton" and registered VH-OQA, fitted with four Trent 972 engines manufactured by Rolls-Royce, suffered an uncontained turbine disc failure of its left inboard engine shortly after taking off from Singapore Changi Airport. The flight returned to Singapore and landed safely, and all 433 passengers and 26 crew on board survived uninjured. Cowling parts of the failed engine fell over Batam island, Indonesia.
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Always good for some laughs!
(FYI: I first saw this posted on the web as being credited to the U S Air Force, and it included ordnance problems, too: "Outside port missile failed to hit target. Action taken: Cleaned windscreen so pilot can see proper targets." and such....)
*edit* I found its origin on Snopes (http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/squawk.asp) dating back to 1997....
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P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
I like one that's not included in your list above...
P: Whining noise coming from under instrument panel.
S: Returned hammer to midget.
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My neighbours last year were a bunch of pilots in training and they know this list all too well.