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General Category => General Board => Forum Games => Topic started by: Penrutet30° on June 25, 2011, 04:11:03 PM

Title: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: Penrutet30° on June 25, 2011, 04:11:03 PM
First off: hopefully this thread will STAY on the topic of Chuck Norris jokes. For those of you who don't know a thing about Chuck Norris Jokes (Which I will abbreviate as C.N.J.), the best places to find out are:

1.) C.N.J. Books: These contain some of the latest and greatest jokes, and will provide (nearly) endless hours of laughing fits. Just be careful to limit how many jokes you read at one sitting. If you don't the results could be fatal. Believe me, I know from personal experience.

2.) The Internet: The WWW provides possibly the BEST collection of C.N.J.s, as the websites dedicated to Chuck Norris are constantly updated. Plus, the jokes submitted by fans themselves are almost always pretty good, and visitors can learn much about the best C.N.J. techniques.

                                                                      **WARNING**
          There is a large amount of Chuck Norris Jokes that are not family appropriate, so always read the entire joke
                                  before reciting/posting, especially if content is a big issue for you.

That said, feel free to post any C.N.J. that you feel is worthy of this thread! All C.N.J.s are accepted, whether they are your own, or ones that you have heard.

To start off, I have a few jokes that I feel are pretty good (Some of you may think otherwise).

#1.) Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding...

#2.) God said, "LET THERE BE LIGHT!", and Chuck Norris said, "Say please."

#3.) There will only be THREE Horsemen of the Apocalypse, because Chuck Norris will walk!
Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: TUR80 on June 25, 2011, 04:13:06 PM

Chuck Norris cheated on his English test..................with a calculator

Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: BFM_JANE on June 25, 2011, 04:20:17 PM

:neckbeard:  When Penrutet finally makes a post, it's a good one! I love CNJs. This thread will eventually be moved to Forum Games, but we'll see how long it lasts here ;)

(and they moved it before I posted.)

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.


Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: BFM_MiG on June 25, 2011, 04:23:01 PM
Quote from: BFM_JANE on June 25, 2011, 04:20:17 PM
(and they moved it before I posted.)
:D

......

Chuck Norris doesn't battle, he just allows you to lose.

Chuck Norris can split an atom with a round house kick!
Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: MufnMan on June 25, 2011, 05:09:19 PM


When Chuck Norris jumps in the water, he doesn't get wet...The water gets Chuck Norris!

When Chuck Norris does push ups, he pushes the world down instead.
Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: Fraggle on June 25, 2011, 05:46:33 PM
Chuck Norris can set ants alight with a magnifying glass.....                                .....At night!

some people wear Superman pyjamas - Superman wears Chuck Norris pyjamas.

Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, He holds air hostage

If at first you don't succeed, You're not Chuck Norris
Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: Jmaster on June 25, 2011, 05:54:27 PM
Quote from: BFM_MiG on June 25, 2011, 04:23:01 PM
Quote from: BFM_JANE on June 25, 2011, 04:20:17 PM
(and they moved it before I posted.)
:D

......

Chuck Norris doesn't battle, he just allows you to lose.

Chuck Norris can split an atom with a round house kick!

lol Mig, im sure most peple here dont know where u heard that... but i do... and im on to u XD

anyway since im posting here, i gotta stay on topic...

Chuck Norris doesnt get frostbite... he bites frost

Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice
Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: BFM_MiG on June 25, 2011, 08:05:00 PM
When Chuck Norris moves his fists, light wishes it could move faster!
Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: MrMxyzptlk on June 25, 2011, 10:03:22 PM



Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas....




Chuck Norris had a starring contest with the Sun ... and the Sun lost....




When the Boogeyman goes to sleep at night, he first checks his closet for Chuck Norris.


Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: BFM_Xtr3me on June 25, 2011, 11:04:35 PM
im bored so im gonna sit here trying to remember all the chuck norris jokes i know :),

Originally, Survivor was a game where people would be placed on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors. And no one has been brave enough to go back to the island to retrieve the footage

On the set of Walker: Texas Ranger, a lamb died. Chuck Norris touch the lamb with his beard and brought it back to life. He then round house kicked it just to prove the testament, the good chuck giv'th and the good chuck tak'th away.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented every single colour of the visible spectrum. Except pink, Tom Cruise invented pink.

If you have $5 and chuck norris has $5, chuck norris has more money than you

Chuck Norris can order a Big Mac at Hungry Jacks and get it

If you spell chuck norris in scrabble, you win. Forever

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and poops gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the Circle of Life.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

There is no ctrl button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control

Chuck Norris's tears cure all disease. Too bad he has never cried

In the back of the guiness world book of records, in fine print, it states that all records are held by Chuck Norris and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you cant see Chuck Norris, you may be seconds away from death.


ok, this is actually true. If you type in 'find Chuck Norris" and press im feeling lucky on google. Google will come up with the result: Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.


now thats how bored i was
Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: Lº§tMyMiNÐ on June 26, 2011, 01:44:18 AM
Hallo, everyone, this is L°§tMyMiNÐ.

And here's my set of entries to this little topic...

Without any further ado:

Lightning never strikes twice because Chuck Norris is always looking for it.

Some people check their closets for the Boogeyman. The Boogeyman checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has never had a heart attack; his heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

I found this comment offensive. Please read your PMs ~ MiG

Anyway, there's a few more good, clean LOLs to die laughing too.

:siderofl:

Take care, peoples!
- L°§tMyMiNÐ

And remember: fear of spiders is called Arachnophobia, fear of bridges is called Gephyrophobia...

:winkgrin:

And fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic.
Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: Jmaster on June 26, 2011, 02:27:55 AM
Chuck Norris doesnt swim.... water just to be around him
Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: Marty on June 26, 2011, 05:53:06 AM
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch...he decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
A martial arts expert once told Chuck Norris that there are better ways to kick someone than a roundhouse kick. This is widely regarded as the worst mistake of all time.
Scientists calculate that the energy released in the Big Bang is slightly less than 1CNRHK...One Chuck Norris RoundHouse Kick.
In The Way Of The Dragon Bruce Lee defeats Chuck Norris. This is the most expensive and complicated special effects shot ever.
Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: gamepanther on June 26, 2011, 07:06:09 AM
LOL! Nice Google find Xtreme!!!



Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.


No standard web pages containing all your search terms were found.

Your search - Chuck Norris - did not match any documents.

Suggestions:

    * Run, before he finds you
    * Try a different person



Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: Zeek on June 26, 2011, 07:25:17 AM
Some magicians can walk on water...Chuck Norris can swim through land
Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: BFM_SüprM@ñ on June 26, 2011, 09:00:25 AM
Quote from: BFM_Fraggle on June 25, 2011, 05:46:33 PM


some people wear Superman pyjamas - Superman wears Chuck Norris pyjamas.


Darn right I do!

As for a joke....

Some say tornadoes are a natural phenomenon, but the truth is they're the result after a roundhouse from Chuck Norris.
Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: Lº§tMyMiNÐ on June 26, 2011, 12:08:29 PM
<<<<Before posting, I want to offer my profuse and sincerest apologies for my insensitive joke. Thank you very much, MiG, for removing it.>>>>

Hello, everyone, this is L°§tMyMiNÐ.

And I'm coming back to you with another string of Chuck Norris Jokes. Hopefully, they won't be offensive, insensitive, or in any way, a duplication of any of the jokes that have come before this.

Anyway, without any further ado, here's some more additions:

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. NOBODY fools Chuck Norris!
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Anyway, there's the next few.

Peace, everyone!
- L°§tMyMiNÐ

P.S. And once again, I am very sorry for the joke.
Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: BFM_Yoda on June 26, 2011, 11:46:33 PM
Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he just stares at them untill they tell him what he wants to know...

Chuck Norris can punch Cyclops between the eyes...

Chuck Norris can eat rice using one chop stick...

Chuck Norris can put 13 eggs into a dozen carton...

Once a cop pulled over Chuck Norris, that Cop was lucky to leave with a warning...

Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, death hasn't come up with the courage to tell him yet...

Did you know Chuck Norris had a role in Star Wars, he was THE FORCE...

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other in a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants...

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin... It's decendantes are now known as Giraffes...

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves...

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

and the most famous one
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: Bulk on June 29, 2011, 03:58:10 PM
When Chuck Norris does a Roundhouse kick the velocity of his foot smashing against particles in the air causes them t explode and emit a sonic boom that can be heard from miles away. This noise is more commonly know as thunder.
Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: RadZakpak on July 13, 2011, 11:27:18 AM
Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, air just wanders in his lungs then runs away.
Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: Penrutet30° on July 15, 2011, 04:06:14 PM
Great job, guys! Keep up the good posts!*

Anyways, here's a few:

Mr. T pities the fools that cross Chuck Norris.

Texas renamed one of their busiest thoroughfares "Chuck Norris Boulevard", but then had to change it back because people were afraid to cross "Chuck Norris".

A study was conducted to see which was the most effective toilet paper brand, and concluded that "Chuck Norris Toilet Paper(TM)" was the least effective, proving that Chuck Norris really DOESN'T take crap from anybody.
Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: BFM_JANE on July 25, 2011, 08:41:11 PM

Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.


Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: BFM_Mil on July 26, 2011, 04:13:07 AM
Erm... Those are not jokes, they're facts! But not as good as the Mil facts.
Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: Mr toast on November 24, 2011, 07:07:01 PM
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: Fraggle on November 25, 2011, 01:47:07 PM
When Chuck Norris steps on a Lego brick, Lego cries!

Chuck Norris doesn't need to use a knife to remove toast from a toaster. it pops up, lands on the plate and butters itself.
Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: BFM_JANE on November 25, 2011, 02:27:39 PM

(http://pleated-jeans.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/80stees.jpeg)


Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: Fraggle on November 28, 2011, 11:03:03 AM
This thing just got hot! Since visual comedy is now fair game,

Presto!!

(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-p4chXZzAQfM/TtNsOK-3zoI/AAAAAAAAANo/q_x8tbTzC8k/s640/Chess+with+Chuck+Norris+--+Checkmate.jpg)
Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: BFM_Mil on November 28, 2011, 11:11:36 AM
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo has been hiding.
Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: BFM_Xtr3me on November 29, 2011, 01:49:31 AM
the chief export of chuck norris is pain
when chuck norris pokes you on facebook, you die
when graham bell first invented the telephone, he had 2 missed calls from chuck norris
people carry guns for protection, guns carry chuck norris for protection
people only talk about chuck norris when he is not within hearing distance. the problem here is that chuck norris is always within hearing distance


images ay,
(http://chucknorri.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/Chuck-Norris-1.jpg)
Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: BFM_Xtr3me on December 11, 2011, 02:52:00 PM
just saw this ad, awesome!

10,000,000 People play World of Warcraft because Chuck Norris allows them to live (http://www.youtube.com/v/arKpdxjHamI&rel=0)
Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: Fraggle on December 11, 2011, 09:05:19 PM
(http://funny-pictures-blog.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/Chuck-Norris-iPhone.jpg)
Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: V3ngnce on January 23, 2012, 07:20:01 PM
(Don't know if these have been posted so.....)

There is no theory of evolution, only a number of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting, because hunting implies the the probability of failure, Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinite, twice.
Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: ËQINÖX on January 23, 2012, 10:04:36 PM
Chuck Norris doesn't win.... He allows you to loose

There is a awsome rap battle with Abe Lincoln VS Chuck Norris i wanted to post but sadly it has a little profanity in it >.<
Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: Benjy on February 18, 2012, 03:43:33 PM
When Alexander Bell invented the telephone, he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic

 ;D
Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: Brandon on April 16, 2012, 01:43:24 PM
nice... sadly  most of the good ones are taken
Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: Gamer on June 19, 2012, 07:05:51 PM
At one point, there was nothing, then Chuck Norris round house kicked nothing and told him to get a job...then became us...
Title: Re: Best Chuck Norris jokes of ALL TIME!
Post by: BFM_Kiwi on January 14, 2013, 02:50:37 AM

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and it killed 50 people.




Then it exploded.