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Author Topic: a novel in the making please give critisicm(updated)  (Read 2540 times)

Offline conrad96

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a novel in the making please give critisicm(updated)
« on: November 05, 2009, 05:07:18 PM »
ok, im writing a novel for my advanced language arts class. I decided to do the story about the second battle of Fallujah, Iraq. Im only thirteen and havent written 20thousand words before(thats my goal) so i figured i should post my story here as it develops so you all could criticize my work. i need it so here it is so far (only 1447 words)
oh yeah almost forgot. this can get a little violent in parts so smaller children plaese refrain from reading this. sergeant swanson by the way is not based off of sergeant johnson. i took my best friends last name (Justice F. Swanson) and used it for a character. The description of the Sergeant would fit what justice would look like in real life just taller and older. (ive had people say this sounds alot like sergeant johnson in halo) HERE THE STORY IS NOW:(strting from the beginning)


    " GO GO GO!"

    These three words blared trough Fox's head as he jumped out of the helicopter and onto the harsh Iraq ground. As he took in his surroundings Fox remembered what he was supposed to be doing. Taking Fallujah, Iraq was the main objective killing as many 'insurgents' as he could was a side task he made up. This is the second battle over this city and hopefully the last. The city is large, the actual size is unknown but it is large enough to hold 400,000 civilians. Thin streets and High ways make this area impossible to maneuver through without getting lost. It is mid day and the sky is blue with the sun staring down at them, burning them in their thick clothing.

    As Fox ran gunfire and explosions sounded off in the city. He approached the edge of the city the gunfire got louder the explosions shook the ground beneath his feet and his heart rate quickened. Fox focused his attention forward, noticing he was being shot at he quickly hit the dirt and rolled behind a large rock. Bullets smacked against the boulder and struck the ground. He had gone unscathed for now. The rest of his company (company Bravo) were all around him firing their weapons at the enemy and four M1 Abrams tanks were firing missiles at buildings.

    " PRIVATE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING GET OUT BEHIND THAT ROCK AND SHOOT OR I'LL SHOOT YOU MYSELF!" Sargent Swanson barked.

    " YES SIR!" Fox yelled.

    Fox sprinted away from the rock and took place in a barricade with a marine on a SAW gun firing. Once he took place behind the sand bags, he took aim on one of the enemy in the window of a building and fired. 5 shots erupted from the muzzle of his M16 and took place in the chest of his target.The man dropped dead, blood flowing out of his wound. Fox's heart pounded and adrenalin rushed through his veins, his head beat and his face got hot. Fox had never killed before. The sight of this made Fox sick to his stomach. He pushed the feelings aside, taking the city was his first priority emotions came last. He took aim at another target, fired, and missed. He aimed yet again this time the bullets flew straight and true. Each one lodged its self into his targets skull. Again blood sprayed out of the target like a mist bottle.

    Several long and sickening minutes passed before Company Bravo made any progress. Fox and his fellow marines had made it to the outer most region of Fallujah. They were barely in the city when the enemy had pulled out their secret weapons...RPG's. they do very little damage on their own but when fired at the same time they make extremely large casualties. One of these beasts missed Fox by a Hair. He was right outside the kill radius of the grenade. That can't be said for the man next to Fox, he was engulfed in the flames. Shell shock had made Fox dizzy. Every thing went silent except for a ringing in his ears, the world spun around him. Fox fell. He couldn't bear the ringing it got louder and louder as it reverberated through his ear drum. The spinning got faster and faster turning at odd angles. Every thing went silent, every thing went black. Then as fast as the explosion Head given him the shell shock it had vanished. Fox was ready once more. He got ready once again to fire.

    In the city the shooting seemed to slow as both sides lost men and ammunition. The M1 Abrams tanks were too big to fit in the narrow street ways and firing them risked killing their own men. Fox walked through the streets with a marine who called himself 'Hunter'. Hunter was extremely muscular you could tell even under his thick uniform, he was roughly 6'1, he had brown eyes and tan skin, his chin was square and his hair messy and brown. His face was gleaming with sweat and spotted wit dirt. This man was easily two times the width of skinny Fox. Fox was 5'9 with green eyes and buzz cut black hair, he was muscular but not as defined as Hunter.

    "Why did you join the marines?", questioned Hunter.

    "out of love for my country and the hope of doing something useful for it.", Fox said.

    "Same", Hunter said.

    "But now I just wish in were back in America sleeping in my bed.", Fox said.

    "Amen to that", Hunter replied.

    "What are our orders again?", Fox said

    "Check every building we can get into on this street.", Hunter said.

    "Ugh.", Fox groaned wiping his face with his hand. "well we better get started then huh?"

    "Yep."

    The search through the fist building was the most epic of all four searches. Three terrorists were on the top floor of the three story apartment(at least, that is what it seemed to be) two had guns one had a knife. Combat this close made Fox nervous, whoever drew first was assured victory. Fox's blood was near boiling point, he shouldered his rifle. Short work was made of the two with the gun both had died by having their blood splattered allover the wall by 4 M16 rounds. the one with the knife was a bit harder to kill because he kept charging at the two marines. Throwing caution to the wind Hunter had ran full speed into the armed man. The terrorist lunged at Hunter with the knife but missed Hunter had tackled the man to the ground. Hunter picked him up and threw him out of the window on the left side of the room. He landed face first on the pavement.

    After that disgusting display of the cost of war Fox and Hunter searched the last three buildings only to find shocked civilians. The two returned to the 'base' AKA a captured building that is to be called base until they actually conquer Fallujah. Only two men were there Sargent Swanson and Corporal Tharp. Sargent Swanson was a black man, about 5'10 with buzz cut hair, he was broad shouldered and his back was a straight line, his uniform was untidy and wrinkled, it was blotched with mud and sweat. He looked as if he had been through the worst parts of this battle.

    "You two better have good news the South eastern side of town is still packed with enemy defenses. So what is men?" Sargent Swanson questioned

    "Well, the police HQ is all clear, only civilians. Three terrorists were found and killed in an apartment complex. All other buildings check off as all clear, Sir.", Fox said.

    "Well then in that case go to the southern parts of town and fight with your fellow comrades." Sargent Swanson said.

    "YES SIR!", Fox and Hunter shouted together

    A mere half klick (1900 feet) away was when things started to get hot. Fox and Hunter found their 'fellow comrades' and grouped up with them. They found a large chunk of debris that would serve as a barricade for them to shoot behind. The enemy seemed to be getting smarter they were farther away now which meant he would need to use the scope mounted on top of the gun. It had 4x magnification perfect for the mid-range combat it was made for. Once they got their scopes sighted in shooting from this distance had been all too easy. Because of the men Fox had killed here slaying the enemy had been less disgusting for him. He felt Murder would soon be a way of life in this place. He picked off three more people before reloading. Unfortunately, Fox had completely forgotten people were trying to kill him and he didn't take cover. Bullets pinged off of the rock but one of them flew straight into Fox's bicep. Fox fell to the ground writhing in pain. Blood started flowing out of his arm like there was no tomorrow.  Stinging, burning, and dizzying sensation overwhelmed his body. Pain like he had never felt pounded throughout him. Every thing was going blurry around him, his wound was numbing but the pulse in his arm still shook his bones. The men shooting and running near him were nothing more than silhouettes.
 
    "Help me!", Fox grunted.
   
   
    Hunter quickly field dressed his wound and Fox was up and fighting in a matter of one minute. He would not let this happen again. Fox reloaded his M16 and looked in the scope. The terrorists were coming out of the buildings. Gun fire escalated as they stepped outside. Their adversaries were throwing Molotov cocktails at his men. Fire erupted out of the gasoline filled bottles as they crashed into the ground, setting multiple things alight. The sky no longer looked like it was mid-day but went a bright orange and stuck fear into every body's heart.

    "We've got to get rid of those terrorists before they set all of Iraq on fire!", Hunter said.

    "Lets pick em' off then!", Fox replied.

    Fox shouldered his rifle and aimed. He fired a whole clip at his adversaries and not a single shot missed. His accuracy left him dumbfounded but decided to consult this problem later. Slaughter was his objective now. He crouched behind the rock and reloaded. Only two clips left, he would have to find some more ammo soon. After emptied a magazine and reloaded again. The flames were growing fast, it was now or never to get his ammunition. Fox sped forward scanning every square inch of dirt. The only thing close to 'ammo' was an abandoned M249 SAW gun with two chain ammunition boxes nearby. This would do just fine. The gun was heavy. By Fox's good judgement it had to have been 15-20 pounds. He slung his M16 across his back, put the ammo boxes in his bag, and heaved the SAW into his arms. Fox ran back to the barricade, flipped the SAW's bi-pod down and aimed. The terrorists kept throwing Molotov cocktails. Fox fired, a loud BANG! sounded off followed by multiple bullets speeding towards the enemy. The recoil on this gun was powerful, with every bullet that left the barrel the gun flung backward into Fox's shoulder. Multiple enemies fell at once.
 
     The marines were falling back. The fire was growing too fast and they needed to douse the flames soon or there would be no Fallujah to fight over. Once all of the marines go to 'base' they all started to think of ways to douse the flames.
 
    "What are all you cowards doing here you should be killing terrorists?!", Sergeant Swanson shouted.

 
    "There's a fire down south.", said one the marines.
 
    "What did they think they could just cook us  or something? We are marines not steaks get down there and show em' better!", The Sergeant said.
 
    "But there's a fire down there, sir.", Hunter said.
 
    "I heard you sissies the first time. Get down there and kill some terrorists! That's an order!", Sergeant Swanson shouted.
 
    "yes sir.", the marines groaned at once.
 
    "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!", The Sergeant screamed.
 
    "SIR, YES SIR!" The marines exclaimed.
 
    "Now that's better go kill some Iraqis!"
 
    Every body including, surprisingly, Sargent Swanson and Corporal Tharp joined the march back to the battle field. By the time they got there the flames had grown twice their previous size.

    "You boys coulda' mentioned it was a big fire ya' know?", Sergeant Swanson said.

    "We tried to tell you", a female marine said.

    "Well my bad for not listening, isn't there some kind of air strike we can call in that extinguishes flames?", Sergeant Swanson inquired.

    "Umm no I don't think so", a marine said.

    "Well in that case call em' and tell em' that there is a large fire that needs to be taken care of and that we don't have enough water.", said Sergeant Swanson.

    "Yes sir", said a man with one of the phones. "Calling..."

    As the service man made the call the other marines slowly backed away from the flames as they grew. The man noticed he was alone and started running towards the crowd of retreating marines. When the marine finished his call he told them what he had heard.

    "Well they're going to try to get the flames out, they never specified how though."

    "That's good news but there is always a catch with them, what is it", Sergeant Swanson said.

    "There isn't.", the man said.

    "Odd", the Sergeant said." Well then in that case just head back to base."

    A matter of five minutes have passed when they heard a buzz overhead. two men stepped outside, they said it was helicopters with buckets of water attached to them. As the flames were doused Company Bravo of the 25Th battalion marched on. The front of the pack was taken out by 3 consecutive RPGs spraying blood, smoke ,and debris over the rest of the group like rain. out of the 250 marines that had arrived here roughly 100 were left. they had to take this city and take it quickly.

    "ALRIGHT BOYS GET CLOSER TO THEM AND SHOW THEM WHY THEY SHOULDN'T PICK A FIGHT WITH AMERICA!" Sargent Swanson shouted over the return fire.

    Fox sprinted down the road firing his SAW while he went. As each bullet went through the enemy as if they were wet tissue paper bloody mist and gore shot from their body as fast as the bullet that hit them. Hunter was on his left taking down as many terrorists as he could manage.

    "I'm outta ammo you got any?!", Hunter said.

    Fox replied "only one clip here."

    "Thanks."

    "Don't mention it."

    The sky was blue again, he could aim better. The forward advance was faster than the last attempt. Fox was running low on ammo, although it goes against his philosophy, he would have to search bodies for ammunition. After two minutes of searching he had found four ammo boxes, and five M16 clips for Hunter. That should last them awhile. The remaining 85 marines advanced to a three way intersection, where enemy fire came from the left and the right.

"I'M SICK OF THIS CALL THE TANKS IN!" Corporal Tharp shouted.

"Calling", a marine Lance Corporal said.

    Two minutes later 3 M1A1 Abrams tanks rolled into the intersection. The men set off green smoke to show they  were friendlies and threw orange smoke in the direction of their enemies. The behemoths fired their main cannon, fire and smoke blasted from the tank. The projectile slammed into a construct, reducing it into nothing more than a pile of rubble. Four more missiles shot at their adversaries.

    "One helluva job these tanks do at cleaning up don't they?", Sergeant Swanson said.

    "Sir yes sir", Hunter said satisfyingly as more explosions sounded off.

    "All clear sir", a service man announced, "must've scared em' off."

    "Thank goodness maybe we can rest awhile before the reinforcements are called in", Fox said.

    The first strike had been successful. while the company Fox was in had taken the southern town two battalions were striking from the west and south-west. They had got it easy, Company Bravo though had been through the worst of it. The battle of Fallujah would last until early January.

    "Wonder where they are gonna stick us now that we've taken this city.", Fox said.
 
    "I don't know. But one thing i know for sure is you are being ranked up to Lance corporal, Fox", Sergeant Swanson said.
 
    "Thank you, sir", Fox said.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
    Bravo company hadn't been taken out of Fallujah, they were going to stay here until the end. Once the southern parts of town were reinforced, Bravo company had been broken up into Fire teams. (3-5 men) Fox was given fire team 8. This group consisted of Hunter, Kelly, Mike, and Richard. (nick named Rookie) Fire team 8 was given a 450 foot perimeter to patrol outside of the controlled part of the city. This block was believed to be the very heart of terrorist activity in the city of Fallujah. This block also seemed to be the least war torn out of all the others in the city. Artillery fire had been used during the invasion to keep enemy force distracted and this part had miraculously gone unscathed while artillery shells had rained down on them for hours.

    Fox and his group started to patrol the street ways. After about thirty minutes Rookie had gotten himself in trouble with two terrorists. bullets were flying in all directions. Rookie took a hiding place behind a wall. Fox and Mike were on the scene in ten seconds flat ready to fight. Mike took the first shot and blew one terrorists brains out. fox took the second terrorist out by shooting him square in the chest.

    "Man you are always getting the head shots!", Fox said.

    "and you are always missing their heads.", Mike chuckled.

    Mike

    "Rookie what did you say to these two? That's what, the fourth time this week you've been attacked?", Fox said.

    "Nothing", Rookie said.

    Rookie was short, only 5'4 with blue eyes and brown hair, he had no tattoos unlike the rest of the group. He had a medium build and always wore his uniform like it was supposed to be on him. Fox and Mike always had their sleeves rolled up  and their helmets off. Fox had a tattoo of his dog tags on his ribs and a target sign where he had been shot a week ago.Mike had a scope branded onto his chest.

    "Rookie we know that's a lie you always open your mouth about something and then you get shot at.", Fox said getting agitated.

    "okay maybe i did say something. I said that i hated this country. Then they shot at me.", Rookie said

    "Common sense would tell you not to say that here but seeing as you don't have any i guess you should join Hunter on his patrol.", Fox said.

    "Okay", Rookie said.

    "Okay?"

    "Yes sir."

    "That's better now go."

    As Rookie walked off Fox said "We gotta duct tape his mouth or something."

    "That would be nice", Mike said "and maybe you should practice your shooting a little bit."

    "Shut up", Fox said

    On the street corner Kelly was on her normal route. Kelly, is short, about 5'6 with dirty blond hair and green eyes. She is slender but as strong as Fox or Mike. She has a scar across her forearm where some steel wire cut her. she is branded with Bravo companies Sig. Kelly wears her hair in a pony tail and always has her helmet off.

    As she did her usual route Rookie came up to her asking "Have you seen Hunter? I was supposed to help him on his patrol."

    "Got shot at again?", Kelly asked.

    "It's a possibility.", Rookie said.

    "You really need to keep your mouth shut when you're on duty.", Kelly said.

    "What ever, anyway have you Seen him or not?", Said Rookie.

    "I think he's on second street.", Kelly said.

    "Thanks", Rookie said jogging off.

    By the time Rookie got to second street (the street running in between the two main streets) Hunter was no where to be seen. Rookie didn't worry he'd check First street if he wasn't there Rookie would tell the group. He walked to first street, there he was with his back turned on Rookie.

    "HEY HUNTER, I GOT SHOT AT AGAIN SO THEY SENT ME TO GO WITH YOU!", Rookie shouted.

    "OKAY!",  Hunter Responded.

    As Rookie approached Hunter he said "They keep telling me-"

    Rookie was cut off by Hunter who said in an aggravated voice " you need to learn to shut your mouth. I'm tired of being stuck with you all week if you talk to the Al qeada again and they shoot at you I will kill you myself."

    "Okay I won't talk to them anymore.", Rookie said.

    The rest of the day no one had spoken a single word. Hunter taped Rookie's mouth shut and explained it by telling everybody at the end of their patrol he wouldn't shut his trap.

    At base the team cleaned their boots, oiled their guns, and ate. Rookie was awfully quiet that night, normally he would talk until the sun rose the next morning.

    "Alright what's the problem?", Fox said approaching Rookie.

    "Nothing", Rookie said

    "No, there is always something with you so what is it?", Fox said.

    "You guys don't want me to talk so I'm not." Rookie said.

    "We want you to talk. Just not to the Al qeada. ya' got that?", Fox said.

    "What about Hunter then?", Rookie said.

    "Hunter is just tired of being stuck with you because you get shot at.", Fox said.

    "Well then how come he taped my mouth?", Rookie inquired.

    "I don't know why maybe cause he's had to look over you for the majority of the week and he's tired.", Fox said.

    "Tired of me?", Rookie said.

    "Yep pretty much, so just watch what you say to the Iraqi's and you won't have to worry about getting shot at or annoying Hunter.", Fox said.

    "True, well i guess i better be quiet on duty then huh?", Rookie said.

    "We just went over this i think you can figure it out", Fox said.

    "So, you wanna hear about my day?", Rookie said.

    "Umm no.", Fox said. "But I'm sure Kelly would like to."

    "Okay", Rookie said.

    As Fox cleaned his M16, Sergeant Swanson approached him (his base is shared with two other fire teams) saying"I've been hearing you and another man in your fire team have been saving the rookie's life for the past week or so. Is that true?"

    "It is, sir.", Fox said.

    "I also heard he keeps insulting the Al qedea?" Sergeant Swanson said.

    "Yes he does which is why he keeps getting shot at.", Fox replied.

    "Poor rookies they have no idea what they're getting themselves into. Keep him away from the terrorists will you?", Sergeant Swanson said.

    "Yes sir.", Fox said.

    "I'm *word removed* lucky I Don't have any rookies on my fire team.", Sergeant Swanson said.

    "Can't wait til' Rookie learns to be quiet when he's on the job.", Fox said.

    "I'm sure you were just like that when you were a rookie.", Sergeant Swanson said.

    "um... no.", Fox said flatly.

    "Same.", Sergeant Swanson said. "Well, good luck you're gonna need it."
 
    As Sergeant Swanson walked off Fox continued to clean his rifle, allot of dust got into the firing chamber today and he was trying to get it all out.

    The next morning wasn't much different from the day before. Rookie couldn't keep his mouth shut, but this time the three men he insulted just looked back and gave him an evil grimace as they walked off. An hour later four RPG's plummeted out of the sky and fell right where Fox and his team were scouting. One grenade had fallen right near Rookie, spraying a shower of fire and debris allover. He was just outside of the  kill radius. Fox looked through the scope on his M16, the men who fired them must be nearby. He looked in the window of a building facing their position. The three men Rookie had aggravated earlier had fired the missiles.

    "What did we tell you about making fun of the Al qadea Rookie?!", Fox exclaimed.

    "That i shouldn't.", Rookie said.

    "So why did you?", Fox said.

    "I dunno", Rookie said.

    "I should shoot you. I'd rather lose one teammate than lose the whole fire team.", Fox said. "Make yourself useful and get Kelly tell her to call HQ and tell her to report the bombing."

    "Yes sir", Rookie said.

    Fox ran for cover in case any more rockets decided to fall. His cover was an old stone wall, whether that could withstand an RPG's explosive power was yet to be seen. Five minutes later Rookie came rushing back to Fox's position.

    "Corporal Tharp wants us back to base asap.", Rookie said.

    "okay."Fox said.

    The two marines sprinted back to the base (Hunter, Mike and Kelly had already went to base) once they got to the front of the base Corporal Tharp said in his usual deep voice "Boys we believe you have just been attacked by the leaders of the Al qadea in this region."

    "Sir?" Fox and Rookie said in unison.

    "Come inside and I will debrief you.", The Corporal said.

    "Yes sir", Fox and Rookie said.

    "As you know, the Al qadea has a system of leaders. One controlling all of the Al qadea, and one for every city. The leaders of the city usually have two or three others in second or third in command. We have identified the three that control this city, and we have been trying to capture them for the past two weeks. Do you have any ideas on why they would attack your team?", Corporal Tharp questioned.

    "Yes we do sir", Fox said glaring at Rookie. "You see Rookie here can't learn to be quiet and keeps 'talking' to Al qadea. They get angry at him and attempt to kill him. This would be the fifth time he has done this."

    "Ah so you're the one they are talking about. Well son you have some problems to sort out cause the Al qadea are gonna want your head on a stick.", Corporal said. "Well anyway, the three that attempted to kill you are Muhammad, Rukanah, and  zubayr. These names may come in handy to your fire team since you guys are gonna be hunting them down. Their last known position was in the north eastern part of the city, that's where you will begin your search."

    "Sir, didn't you say you had men already hunting them?", Fox said worrying about the safety of his team and himself.

    "They are all MIA as of o' seventeen hundred hours yesterday. So we are giving you the mission.", Corporal Tharp said.

    "Isn't there a team better suited for this mission than us, sir?", Fox said with growing dread.

    "Yes there is but the Sergeant picked you.", Corporal Tharp said. "Your team has the day to pack up and rest. You will leave at o' six hundred hours."

    "YES SIR!," Fox and Rookie said snapping into a salute.

    "Good, now go.", Corporal Tharp said.

    As Fox and Rookie made their way to the group on the second floor of the captured apartment complex Kelly said "What's goin' on? All I heard was that you two were attacked."

    "Well we were attacked by the head of the Al qadea in this city. Now we have to track them down, ya' know the usual stuff.", Fox said. "And you can thank big mouth over here for our new mission."

    "Didn't we tell you to hold your tongue while you were on duty?", Kelly said.

    "I can't say that you definitely didn't not tell me.", Rookie said.

    "I'll take that as a yes.", Kelly said.

    "Maybe you should assign him to a different fire team.", Hunter said.

    "I've already considered that, trust me", Fox said back.

    "You're not going to though right?", Rookie said.

    "For your safety I think I should, but I won't.", Fox replied.

    "Thanks.", Rookie said.

    Fox packed his ammo, rations, combat knife, and other supplies in a matter of minutes. He spent a hour cleaning his gun, he wanted every thing to be ready for combat as soon as he left the base. Fox packed eight clips of ammo, two fragmentation grenades, his trusty side arm, the M9 Beretta and his usual MTV armor. He always had this bullet proof vest on but he can't remember the last time he actually secured it on his body correctly. He took the pull string and ted it down tight so nothing was loose. Fox cleaned his digital camouflage helmet and polished his boots. He was ready for the mission. The rest of the group wasn't as thorough as Fox, they cleaned their guns, and packed food and ammo. After all of this they simply sat down and did not say a single word.

    When it was one hour until their departure they double checked their equipment, and put their uniforms on. Fox's uniform was heavy, it was pushing him down like a tank was resting on his shoulders. His heart thumped with enough force he felt as if it would come out of his chest at any second. Could he really chase down the leaders of the Al qadea? Was he going to come back on his own two legs or in a casket carried by his own men? Would his team live to see another day? These questions buzzed around Fox's head until it was unbearable. This wasn't the what he felt when he was ordered to take Fallujah this was one hundred times worse. Why was he so scared? He had lived through the strike on the city, how could this be any worse? If any thing it would be easier than the assault on Fallujah, how hard could it be to kill three terrorists? He kept encouraging himself he would come back, his team would live, it would be easy, he would find them once he left the base.

    Fox jumped when he felt a hand touch his shoulder, "You okay you look like your gonna keel over?", Kelly said.

    "Yeah I'm fine, I just don't know if you guys will be on this mission.", Fox replied.

    "We'll be fine.", Kelly said.

    "Are you nervous?", Fox said.

    "I'm always nervous when we are outside of base, tough country to be American in you know?", Kelly said.

    "Yeah, it's just that I'm allot more nervous than usual.", Fox said.

    "Don't worry we'll be finished with this mission in no time and we'll all come out alive. Except maybe Rookie.", Kelly said smiling.

    "yup.", Fox said with a small grin on his face.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Fox and his team stepped outside of the battered wooden doors and scarred concrete walls that they came to know as base. Fox took one lats look at the construct and walked off.
« Last Edit: November 22, 2009, 08:14:18 PM by conrad96 »

thanks BFM_xsix for the awesome sig


thanks bfm_marine for the sig
 
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thanks legend for the awsome sig :D

Offline Arya

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Re: a novel in the making
« Reply #1 on: November 05, 2009, 06:33:07 PM »
very nice job conrad ^^

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Offline Goalie

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Re: a novel in the making please give critisicm
« Reply #2 on: November 09, 2009, 10:15:08 AM »
I just haven't read it till now :ninja:

From a grammatical POV, check a few places to make sure you have the right punctuation.  There are a couple run-ons and such.

Sergeant is how you spell it, I believe.

Some places could use a bit more description.  What did Fox sense when he was shot?  What was happening around him?  When he searched and killed those guys, what feelings did he have at the time?  The more descriptions, the better.  You don't want to answer all the questions, because there needs to be questions in order to keep the reader in suspense.  But make sure you describe the situation enough so that the reader can get a clear picture of what's going on, almost as if the reader is there in the action, documenting everything.
You blame me?  Remember it had to get past 10 other players before I saw the ball.

Thanks to Spidey for this sig!                                                                                                                  .

Offline conrad96

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Re: a novel in the making please give critisicm
« Reply #3 on: November 09, 2009, 03:34:07 PM »
thanks ill work on some of this

thanks BFM_xsix for the awesome sig


thanks bfm_marine for the sig
 
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thanks legend for the awsome sig :D

Offline jim360

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Re: a novel in the making please give critisicm
« Reply #4 on: November 09, 2009, 04:06:15 PM »
If I get some time over the next week I'll go through what you've written so far and check for any spelling, punctuation and grammar errors - and correct them. Apart from that, the only thing I would say is... good job!
Check out my Short introduction... corner and my "Historical figures who should perhaps be better-known" thread!!

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Offline conrad96

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Re: a novel in the making please give critisicm(updated)
« Reply #5 on: November 13, 2009, 08:25:48 PM »
im stumped, This is pretty much the whole book right now. I cant think of anything else to add to the book. Right about now i was wishing i were in regular class and not advanced so i could wrap up the story as it is. any ideas? (any thing will work)
« Last Edit: November 14, 2009, 10:39:50 AM by conrad96 »

thanks BFM_xsix for the awesome sig


thanks bfm_marine for the sig
 
(\__/)
(='.'=) This is Bunny. Copy and paste Bunny into your
(")_(") signature to help him gain world domination

hold on to to your potatoes!

~Brian Posehn



thanks legend for the awsome sig :D

Offline Mith

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Re: a novel in the making please give critisicm(updated)
« Reply #6 on: November 14, 2009, 02:22:57 PM »
Like Goalie said, add some description.  Telling everything that's going on in great detail paints a good picture in the readers head.  Just from my personal experience adding more description makes any writing less boring to read.  If you really think about it, the smallest of things can be described in an infinite amount of ways.

Thanks Vintage, it's awesome!



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The Journey of Mith
Applied for BFM-March 9, 2008
Given Vent-April 29, 2008
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Left BFM-July 26, 2009
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