school/work quotes

[snowkiller]

well i wanted to tell you guys some jokes said in class, and i wanted to hear some of yours. remember to watch the language.


this one happened after lunch when me and my friends were talking about criminal justice.

Snow: thats what i should say when i arrest someone, 'im the law, dont mess with me,' (i said something i wont repeat after) then i would hit him, lol.

A: laughs what?

E: Snow watch your mouth.

Snow: i cant see my mouth, so how can i watch it.

laughter

tell me your jokes!!!





Removed first joke. I didn't understand it but didn't like where it was heading. Please be careful, Snow. ~BFM_Hydra

[Soul]

OK, This was weird day in general.

Well, I was at my work and for some reason I got a message from my chick friend who said she got cake, and she thought of me =]

Well, My boss got a message saying there was cake in the break room (Ended up being gone by the time we got there)

Well, My Co-Worker (James) hard drive broke (We work on computers and network stuff) So I told him too look on Newegg and see if there is a cheap TB hard drive.

Me: Check newegg to see if there is a TB hard drive for sale.

James: I can't, I have to get home.

Me: It only takes 10 seconds.

James: But, I have to get home:

Me: I Can even do it for you if you want:

James: I have no time.. I NEED to get home.

Me: You could have done it the whole time you were argueing with me...

James: Uhh, I am a dad I have to go now.

Me: Well, Later DAD!

James: Bye Cake!

Me: ... Well, at least I taste better!

Boss: You guys are hilarious..

I don't know, I guess you have to be there for it lol.

Anyways, After work right when I walked into my house my mom asked if I wanted to go to the store and buy some cake! =] (YES!, DREAM COME TRUE!)

[snowkiller]

lol, thats a good one.

[bornfightin]

OK i workout with our LAX team here at NDU.....
and there is this little walk-on (Joel) thats gets to play sometimes......

well im talkin to him as im benching 525 pounds and he's benching 250 flat......lolz

and he askes a friend where they are playin next week..... and the friend says VT

Joel gets al exicited and says "thats where i scored my first goal"

ME: "u mean ur only goal?"

Joel: "ok look mister BIG GUY ive scored two goals thank you very much!"

u had to be there......

[snowkiller]

well, the end of the year is coming and that means we need to pick a new drum major for the marching band. As part of try-outs we must write an essay and im a senior, so i cant try out. I made a little joke and wrote one anyways making fun of some people and i included me of course. He got a big laugh out of it:

Drum Major

Snow
No-Man Band

            I think I should be drum major because I love band and I know how to write an essay at the very last minute. I want to be drum major because when I grow up I’m gonna be just like you, a fun bus director. I am more qualified for this job more than anyone and I could be the first freshman drum major.
 
            My interment skills suck, I can not count and I am totally tone deaf. I hate most people in band so I know that I will not favor anyone. When I’m up there ill make mean remarks every time someone makes a mistake. I just remembered that while everyone is marching back to the field, for whoever doesn’t march right, ill hit them with my car. Then I’ll get out and laugh at their pain. Maybe I can get that Euro horn for my car and while they are at attention I’ll pull my car up next to them and scare them.
 
            Look at that! I did a total of two paragraphs left and I can’t think of anything to say. Oh, Hey look, a butterfly! Hi butterfly. Don’t worry this wont be much longer, I wont be a woman like Paul and write four pages worth of stuff. I won’t add any robots into this essay like Chad would do. I’m doing the three paragraph essay instead of the five because I like bein’ myself.  Don’t put Kevin as trumpet section leader, and has too cute of a smile to be a leader. McCarty should have won best smile, I voted for him that was a bigger upset than, well I cant think of anything. This is my longest paragraph out of this essay or letter or whatever. I tried to make this English perfect. That is why I should be drum major.

come on guys bring some more quotes, they are all so funny!

[¥Mderms¥]

Ahh.

Unfortunately most of the conversations we have at work would be enough to make Elvis and the entire senior staff faint. 

[snowkiller]

so a couple days ago we had a sub in band, so like always we did nothing. My friend Kole and i were in the locker room and there were some group of girls playing cards and some guy. So he pulls up his shirt and starts dancing and rubbing his belly, and at one point he wasnt looking at the door our sub came in and just stared (A what-is-that look) and he finally saw he about 30 seconds later and he put his shirt down and we all just start cracking up really hard:

F: Do i want to know?

K: *laughing* no you dont want to know.

Tonight we had a concert and after and the way back to the PAC ( performing arts center, where we play, its connected to our school), and i was kicking my trumpet case in the hall with my friend and we started to play a little soccer and he was behind me and he kicked it to me but it was a little short so i run back kick it backwords and i to spin around it like a soccer move the case slid short and i landed on it and i fell. me and joe (my friend) and some parents walking starting laughing. after that i picked it up and stopped.

[snowkiller]

seniors were taking a test in math class today and we went into another room to take it:

G: I want you guys to spread out so you dont cheat.

T: No one know this stuff, we didnt even do our homework.

[carl]

ok at school today

my friend - carl, what is 5 plus seven
me - 13
my friend - no 12
me - are you serious (as i count on my fingers)
my friend - yes
me - .............oh.......................

[snowkiller]

XD

thats like a time in class where i said that 8x8=48.

[BFM_JANE]

I work at a place where I call the police a lot to report burglar alarms. There was a business called La Fonda and the customer wanted the police notified. There is a certain movie that I love with someone called "la fonda" in it, so I can't just say "la fonda", I have to say "luh faaaaaawwwwnnnnduh"

PD OP 29: What is the name of the business?
ME: Luh Faaaaaaaawwwwwnnnduh
PD OP 29: [giggles] And, um, what is the phone number...?
ME: [trying not to laugh] 123-456-7890
PD OP 29: [laughs out loud] Oh gosh, and where is the alarm coming from? [snickers]
ME: [still trying not to laugh] The rear door.
PD OP 29: And will Napoleon be there?
[both laughing]
[call finishes with some giggling but mostly unamusing]


That just happened tonight. Usually the "cop calls" go pretty quick, so it's funny when they start laughing about whatever. It doesn't happen often, most people who talk on the phone professionally can keep a straight face until the call is over. I should know!

Another time, there was an alarm at a residence and the last name was very long. I counted, it was 19 letters and there were very few vowels in it. I had to call the police for the alarm.

[...]
COP: What is the name of the homeowner?
ME: Mmm, I can spell it for you.
COP: Okay.
ME: All right. It's G-Q-R-R-L-N- [starts to crack up, but continues] Z-D-I-H-S-T-W-A-J-J
COP: [starts laughing]
ME: [laughing because she started it, not my fault]
COP: Wow, all righty then! [sigh] What's the address?
ME: Oh okay, you don't want the rest of it?
[more laughter]


There are lots of crazy people out there, but the first call up there reminded me of that other one.

[snowkiller]

congrats jane! you found the worlds biggest name.

[jim360]

Err... sadly no.

Someone decided that they would call their child:

Adolph Blaine Charles David Earl Frederick Gerald Hubert Irvim John Kenneth Loyd Martin Nero Oliver Paul Quincy Randolph Sherman Thomas Uncas Victor Willian Xerxes Yancy Zeus

Wolfeschlegelsteinhausenbergerdorffvor-
alternwarengewissenhaftschaferswesenc-
hafewarenwholgepflegeundsorgfaltigkeitb-
eschutzenvonangereifenduchihrraubgiriigfe-
indewelchevorralternzwolftausendjahresvor-
andieerscheinenbanderersteerdeemmeshedr-
raumschiffgebrauchlichtalsseinursprungvonkr-
aftgestartseinlangefahrthinzwischensternartig-
raumaufdersuchenachdiesternwelshegehabtbe-
wohnbarplanetenkreisedrehensichundwohinder-
neurassevanverstandigmenshlichkeittkonntevort-
pflanzenundsicherfreunanlebenslamdlichfreudeun-
druhemitnichteinfurchtvorangreifenvonandererintlligent-
geschopfsvonhinzwischensternartigraum

[snowkiller]

why must you ruin my joke?

[·WídgêT·]

I have a few friends that are absolutely ridiculous. They say the most stupid stuff ever but the way they say it is hilarious. Recently one of them whose name is Adam has said quite a few stupid comments that have been immortalized (aka put in the quotes section on my Facebook page).

First one requires a little backstory. Recently they've been calling me a "ninja" mostly because I have a tendency to sneak up on people, both accidentally and on purpose, without them noticing. Trying to figure out if the word ninja is actually a verb (we still think it is) we decided that you can't use ninja techniques on a ninja, and the reason you might ask?

Adam: You can't ninja a ninja, that's like cameling a camel, and camel isn't even a verb!

Another one, again needs a little backstory. One day I was able to climb through my history teachers window which was close to the ground instead of using the door, and since she didn't really care it was funny to do. We were trying to figure out who else we could do it to, and my other friend Dan threw out a suggestion:

Dan: What do you think would happen if you tried to climb through Mr. D's window?
Me: I can't do that, it's too high up
Adam: Yeah you'd need the upper body strength of a mongoose to get up there!

Let that soak in for a few seconds...

Last one, Dan needed to get something from the gym locker room, and Adam decided to come with him, even though Dan didn't really see the point of it. Of course Adam has a reason...

Dan: I need to get ____'s clothes out of his locker
Adam: I'll come with you
Dan: You don't need to come don't worry about it
Adam: You never know, there could be mountain lions down there!

For the most part you kinda needed to be there but you can appreciate the stupidity of some of these comments...